Log in

Okay then!

I've decided to stop using this as a dump for anything. I don't use it. it's taking up space. But I'd still like to be on LJ for the groups. So! just leaving you a note that if you want to read any of my writing, check out the slowly forming website ( http://www.shadowwood.artistyandprose.com/ ) or my various accounts on Fanfiction.net, Adultfanfiction.net, Mediaminer.org, and Y!Gallery.

Cheers :D


 So, I'm getting over getting bronchitis and a sinus infection at the same time. It sucked. I'm still coughing. D:
Oh, and my brother is getting married in May. Woot.


Life Update

 Wow, I really suck at keeping a blog. 

Anyway. Happy early Yule to everyone! Hope you're getting into your festivities. I had one family Christmas today and the next is on Christmas Day, the last on New Years. It's a hastle, but I guess it's worth it. XD

I just read all of Land of the Blindfolded, a manga by Sakura Tsukuba. It was actually pretty cool. The main characters were all able to see into the future or past and used it to help others while they were busy falling in love XD It was medium length, 40 chapters in 9 volumes, but rather sweet. I'd recommend it. 

My brother and his girlfriend were going to have a baby but there were complications. Lauren lost the child. Both of them are rather messed up about it but they'll pull through. Later, when Lauren is more healthy, I'm sure they'll try again. But for now, let us say good bye to Aiden Michael Hughes and wish him happiness in the afterlife.
I need to get back to writing and getting my website together.. 


Guess who finished a rubix cube TWICE?!

Yeah. That's right. ME. HAHAHAHA!




My brother Jared is going to jail. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Obviously, it's not a moral dilemma. He's guilty. He's been involved in two accidents involving alcohol where he was the one at fault. It's not that I don't think he deserves jail time for it. Actually, the fact that no one got hurt doesn't save him in my mind. He needs to be punished. He needs to know there are consequences to his actions.

What bothers me is that this doesn't bother me at all. I'm his older brother. I should have some kind of feelings about this. But I don't. I could say I'm still in a state of shock from having found out but it's been a few days. Shock would have broken by now. I honestly feel absolutely nothing about my brother going to jail. I wasn't even angry when I found out about his latest wreck. I was just.... blank. What bothers me is that I feel nothing at all. Am I that removed from other people that I can't feel anything?

The day Jared found out he was going to jail, he was so upset that he took prescription drugs from a friend of his without knowing the milligram dosage of them. All he knew was that it was oxycotin and he wanted to be calm. He took enough to send himself into respritory distress. His girlfriend and another friend called the paramedics, who took him to the hospital. There, Jared regained consciousness and retched his stomach empty. The hospital staff stabilized him. When only one person was allowed back with him, he asked his mother to give her pass to his girlfriend because he'd rather be with her. Mom went home and I spoke with her, having heard about the happenings on when a neighbor saw it and gave me a call. 

Mom is angry. I was at first but now I don't feel anything. I could probably talk to my brother right now and not scream at him, much as he deserves to be screamed at. He hasn't talked to me yet. I suspect he's either ashamed or afraid to. Mom's friend Duck thinks I hold some kind of sway over the brat but I'm doubtful. One thing I do know is that he hates admitting mistakes, even when they were as dangerous and obviously stupid as this one.

I have to wonder if this makes me a horrible older brother, the fact that after the initial fear for his life and anger over what he'd been stupid enough to do, I don't feel anything now. It reminds me of how things were when I was younger, through the teen years when everyone was dying, my best friend didn't understand what I was going through, and everything felt like it was just too much effort because it would just fail anyway. I hate that kind of numbness. I'm terrified in a blank sort of way that it will come back.

I shouldn't feel this. Right now, I'm at my happiest I've ever been. I have a best friend who doesn't push me to the edge, I'm moving to a new place where I can likely find a future, I'm more content with myself and what I am, I know what I want in the future and it seems more viable than ever.... I shouldn't feel the numbness anymore. It shouldn't be allowed to exist.

Maybe the Jared situation really has gotten to me. Maybe I'm more affected than I thought. No clue. I'm going to find some gay porn to read.



A friend of mine reminded me that I didn't have any Todd Tolensky from X-men: Evolution in my gallery, so I did this:

SeeCollapse )

He's happy because he got new pants. But he'll bust the knees out later. Or maybe Wanda's calling him.


I realized I only had a day until my self imposed deadline for my drabbles. So, here we go!

ReadCollapse )


Today was interesting.

Tea woke me up and we went so I could give plasma. And that was such a fuck over. I got the nurse that fucked me over last time. First she had trouble with sticking me. Had to wiggle the fucking needle. I'm surprised I didn't bruised like fuck. Well, twenty minutes into the give, suddenly the machine starts beeping like hell. So the lady comes back and goes, "Shit." You should NEVER do that when you ahve someone connected to a machine that steals BLOOD. So I panicked. I wondered "what the shit?" As it turned out, the collecting vat in the machine decided to blow the fuck up. I kid you fucking not. There was blood all over the machine and then she pulled out the broken vat and dripped it all over the floor. I, suffering from bloodloss at this point, nearly puked.

So, I won't be giving plasma for the next two months. There was no way to return the gathered blood back to me, so, I have to wait until my body replaces it all. Which means no form of income at all until I get a job or September. Fuck.

Well. So, then we got home and I watched the rest of Gundam 00. The ending sucked and I really never got all that into the rest. So, it was kind of a waste of time. Ah well....

Lastly, Tea helped me make a list of qualities in my perfect mate:

Perfect MateCollapse )
Yup. So there we have it.



I don't like thunder. I don't like feeling something so much bigger than me. I don't like the sudden concussive force of noise. It disturbs me on a core, primal level. When the strike comes, rumbling through the walls and through my very body, I freeze. I wait, tense and afraid, until I know a blow won't follow it.

I don't know where this fear came from. I've had it for years with no specific cause and no specific time it came to be. It's just there.

Storms both delight and terrify me. I like rain and I love listening to it. I light watching lightning arch across the sky. But I can't stand the thunder. There are times I've had to get down under the bed or desk to wait a storm out. It makes me feel stupid, reacting this way, but there's not much I can do about it.

I think it's funny that I'm more scared of thunder than I am of spiders.


The Quest of Manliness

Just in case anyone who stumbles on this journal doesn't know, I, TGP(retender), am a FTM, or female-to-male transsexual. Pre surgery and hormones, though. That's for later when I have the funds. Anyway. I am on a quest to be a manly man of manliness in my own very gay, slightly metrosexual way.

The problem with this is that the only man I've ever looked up to is a someway gay, slightly metrosexual man who happens to be my grandfather. He's not really gay but if you didn't know him and his very happy relationship with a lovely woman named Kenetha, you'd wonder. Every other male in my family has either been distant or is downright bastardly. Thus, no real manly man rolemodels. You can think what you wish of these circumstances and what they might have meant in my early development.

Anyway! A friend of mine turned me onto this website: The Art Of Manliness.com/ So far, I am both amused and very interested. I hope this can help me on my manly man of manliness quest.

Woochaaaaaaa! Manly powers, ACTIVATE!